Tag: mental health

2024 in Review

let’s look at the bright side

This year has not been my best, and it feels like it’s been that way the past 4 years. If you want to get really technical, it all started with the 2016 election, but specifically, the time since covid showed up in New York has been a wild ride of anxiety and stress.

My brain tells me I didn’t do much this year and while that’s partly true, it’s not the whole story. I won’t rehash what I’ve already written about extensively; instead I’m focusing on what I did do this past year.

January

January featured a visit to the local wolf sanctuary, a few fat bike excursions around the region, and ample time on the trainer as I geared up for the April Trifecta: Toad Strangler, Rasputitsa, and LuLackaWyco.

February

February started with a long weekend trip to New Hampshire to fat bike with my girlfriends and Matt. My first experience ridding on trails that were 100% ice with no studs! (spoilers: it wasn’t terribly fun to feel like I was going to slide out at any moment) I also dropped off the bright red ceramic sink with my Maine friend Ashley for the cabin she’s renovating. A bit more snow, more local fat biking, and even more trainer time.

March

Local gravel with girlfriends, more trainer time, and a massive anxiety attack. My youngest kid turned 21. I soldiered through the 4th annual Frozen Apple Ride. I tried to keep up with my trainer rides when I felt like I could. My GI symptoms begin in earnest.

April

I’m back in therapy. We took our younger kids and their partners for a weekend in Cooperstown, NY to hit up key places on the Beverage Trail. The solar eclipse wasn’t total in our area but my kid in Buffalo got some amazing photos of totality. I enjoyed Toad Strangler, Rasputitsa, and LuLackaWyco despite mounting GI issues. I decide doing big events solo isn’t as fun as when you have a friend to ride with. I also experienced my first earthquake!

May

Mountain biking, a trip to Philly, and Northern Lights – which I didn’t see myself! Again, my kid in Buffalo got great photos and sent them to me. Memorial Day Weekend is once again Girls + Matt MTB Weekend – checking out Pine Hill and Slate Valley trails. Definitely want to go back to Slate Valley to check out the rest of the trails.

June

More mountain biking locally, more trainer rides (to get ready for GRUSK). Friends camping weekend where I try out a bivy (eh), cry unexpectedly, take a 3 hour nap in my tent in the rain, and read by the campfire. A road ride and more local gravel. I decide I’m not 100% for a 3 day bikepacking trip and switch to the day-ride option.

July

A few local gravel rides and then GRUSK. West Virginia is beautiful, chunky, and lots of vert. Hanging out with Curt for 2 days feels fabulous. I have my first break in GI issues and tentatively begin planning bike rides again with friends, including getting Karen to ride up Mt Riga and a duo camping trip to Molly Stark State Park for some Vermont gravel. Riding a remote and stunning route solo before driving home. Feeling more confident.

August

I’m not confident – another anxiety attack knocks me back to square one. That and a flight delay leads me to leave my bike at home and skip SBTGVL in favor of spending more time with my family and friends. I don’t regret it, even if I do continue to have GI issues the whole trip. I’ve discovered Dramamine seems to help with the pervasive nausea. I catch covid on the flight back to New York. I take it as a sign to just calm the fuck down.

September

Finally see my primary care doc and add Lexapro to my Wellbutrin and almost immediately the GI symptoms go away. The Brain-Gut axis is super real. Once I’m recovered from covid, I begin with low milage rides at moderate paces. I go camping with friends again, this time doing a stunning 40 mile route out of Beartown State Forest, which is open again. We see a bear while riding. My youngest sister is diagnosed with breast cancer. I start strength training and discover I’m stronger than I expected and start to look forward to lifting heavy.

October

A few days after taking a melancholic road ride, one of my kids has a mental health crisis and attempts suicide. Fortunately, I get them to the ER quickly. The gravity of the situation doesn’t hit me until the nurse brings their stuff out and says they are on suicide watch. We embark on a journey through the mental health system, which I am thankful we have good insurance and access to some of the best doctors and programs in the state. My days revolve around work, visiting my kid in the behavioral health hospital, and caring for the dogs. Our kid is released and enters the outpatient program immediately.

November

I’ve switched to hiking with friends because it’s too much effort to get dressed for a bike ride. I’m reading a lot because offline activities are calming. My kids visit, which I always love. Lots of puzzles are started and completed. A long-time friend visits. There is something special about being able to wake up and sit on the couch drinking coffee with friends. Right before Thanksgiving, I have another big anxiety attack and instead of my primary care doc, I call a psychiatrist. Within days I’m off Lexapro and starting Effexor. Within a week, I’m feeling more calm and rational than I have in a long time.

December

Ice Weasels kicks off the month with a lot of fun. I come in third again in the women’s fat bike race – which I’m always fine with because I don’t race and everyone else does. Pete’s cousin and kid are there too, so I hang out with them and catch up. A solo fat bike ride at Stewart where I almost get locked into the park. I drop off my fat bike to get tubed studded tires mounted and a quick once-over of the bike. It’s been snowy and cold, then rainy and warm cyclically. I’m optimistic I might be able to get out and ride on Monday.

What’s On my radar for 2025

  • Good mental health – continuing therapy and medication adjustments as needed
  • Balance in work and life
  • Maybe sell the house and move home to Colorado?
  • Family vacation to Maine
Bike Events

I won’t do all of the above, but I do want to share smaller events that are really fun, well-supported, and not terribly expensive. You

As I write this, I haven’t decided if I’m going to put my trainer up in the new year. Riding indoors is hella boring, even with a structured training plan and killer music playlist, but does translate to riding strength in the spring. I’d like to get outside as much as possible because I need the cardio to balance the strength training. It’s also raining (day two of three) so there’s that. Something to figure out next month.

I’m optimistic 2025 will be better. See you out there!

Rebirth of Cool

how I got back on the horse

What a difference a month (and a lot of Doing Hard Work) makes.

GRUSK RECAP

The week after I last posted, I made the 8-hour drive to Circleville, WV, for GRUSK. I had originally signed up for the 3-day non-competitive bikepacking route back in January but switched to the day ride option when it became apparent I would not be in any shape to actually go on a 3-day bikepacking trip. As much planning as I do, there’s still a lot of stress and anxiety around doing something in a new place. Right before the deadline to switch categories, I downgraded again to the 50-mile route. 50 miles is very achievable.

I agreed to be the SPOT contact for my friend Curt, who opted to try for an ITT on the 2-day bikepacking route that went out while I was making my way down the interstate. Just before I fell out of cell service, I received a text:

Scratching. See you tonight; riding back to camp.

My brain was shocked; my heart was immediately happy. While it wasn’t great he was scratching (what happened?) I was not so secretly excited about actually being able to ride bikes together on the day ride.

There is no cell service for an hour’s drive in all directions from the venue, so communicating was challenging, but we eventually met up at registration. I unloaded my stuff into my dorm room and parked by his campsite.

The event itself is fantastic – packet pickup was easy, pre-ordered items were ready, and the food was plentiful and delicious. Over dinner Curt shared why he decided to scratch and that he too was looking forward to more time to hang out and talk. We had so much to catch up on.

It’s July and I know better than to sign up for events in July because it’s usually hot, sometimes muggy, and I don’t do well in the heat especially now that I’m on antidepressants. But here we are – it’s expected to be in the upper-80s/low 90s.

I wake up feeling remarkably calm. Normal even. Over breakfast I decide to load the 32mi route just in case. I’ll make up my mind on the road.

We head out around 9:30am under clear blue skies and temps in the mid-70s. The wonderful descent to start quickly becomes a succession of long 5+ mile climbs as we make our way up Spruce Knob. I’m pedaling my usual steady pace and sweating buckets.

West Virginia is beautiful!! The shaded woods roads and gradual grades made for a pleasant climb. The descent was boneshaking (WV gravel is decidedly not pristine) and before you know it, we’re back to climbing. The two-track was a nice diversion from the wide gravel roads. Long descent to the aid station.

The aid station is in the full sun. It’s also conveniently where the 50-miler and the 32-miler diverge. Curt has already decided to take the shorter route due to some bike issues. I decided it’s better to ride with a friend than ride for mileage.

We spin back to the start (remember that nice downhill? it’s now the final climb haha), get cleaned up, and I head over to where Curt is camping. We spent the rest of the day under an umbrella talking, quietly reading, eating snacks, and generally catching up on life. Without cell service, it’s blissfully present.

near sunset from top of Spruce Knob
this, all day
near the end of a loooong descent
delicious two-track
View from the top
Adventure Duo Reunite!

The event had a whole party after the ride—people were coming in at all hours, some from bikepacking and others from enjoying the day. Many on the longer routes had salt-encrusted jerseys and shorts, which only reinforced my decision to cut the ride shorter.

Whether you ride 32 miles or 320 miles, you still did the event.

The band played until 11pm. The next morning, we had breakfast (I cannot stress how delicious and copious the food was) and headed out our separate ways. I was still feeling mostly normal, which felt miraculous. I was happy, calm, and without worry. After the last four months, it’s a relief.

coming next

The last two weekends I spent trying to get outside to ride with friends. One day we met up in Millerton, NY to do a three-state ride up Mount Riga, down Sunset Ridge, and back to our cars on the newly completed Harlem Valley Rail Trail. Perfect day with hot but not as muggy temps to be with friends. On our way back it started to sprinkle, which felt amazing after being hot and sweaty all afternoon. The sprinkle turned to a light rain and before we knew it, it was a downpour thunderstorm. There was a distinct moment when the water finally ingressed our shoes – at that point, you’re just soaked, and all you can do is pedal.

Last weekend I headed up to Vermont with Karen for a weekend of bikes and car camping. We rode out from Molly Stark State Park over to Green Mountain National Forest, over to Stratton, and made our way south on as many backroads as possible. The route had a few roads that turned out to be private or the “road” indicated on Ride with GPS maps didn’t actually punch through – so we had some reroutes, but overall had a wonderful day. Blessed again with perfect temps, low humidity, and nary another cyclist in sight. Cleaned up at the shower house and headed into town for a well-deserved dinner.

The second morning, Karen had to get back early, so I went out on a short ride before making the 3-hour drive home. It did not disappoint, and in many places, I felt very aware of my soloness and gender but also blissfully able to ride on my own terms, at my own pace. Vermont truly is a gem of our corner of the world.

This weekend has been excessively hot—humidity is high, dew points are over 72*F, and I’ve spent the weekend inside. My anxiety still rises for no reason, and I have to reason with myself, never an easy feat. But it helps—why am I feeling anxious? What is causing this? How can I let my body know it doesn’t need to be on edge?

Next weekend, I’ll be heading to Colorado for a long vacation full of family and friends. I spent yesterday evening boxing up my bike because I only have two more trainer workouts before we leave, and I don’t have time or inclination to go outside when it’s this gross out. It’s hard enough to take the dogs on a walk.

I’m still waffling on attending SBT GVL. I downgraded my route to the 56 miler, which again, is very achievable, and starts at 6:45am so I’ll be done before Noon (and before the heat really gets up there). I want to ride the roads; I don’t need the festival or the pre-events. Ultimately, it will come down to a game-day decision (well, a few days out since we plan to head up to Steamboat on the Friday before).

I’ve made plans to ride with my other adventure partner Jess while I’m down there. A simple day ride that looks incredible and will be a nice test of how I’m acclimating.

I’m basically trying to stay focused on each day, reduce stress as much as possible, eliminate anything that isn’t bringing me joy or makes me feel anxious – and talk myself through the rest. I will be staying with my dad while I’m in Colorado Springs, and I’m optimistic this trip home will help me find some closure. In some ways, I feel like my anxiety remains high because I live so far away and haven’t been able to truly integrate the absence of my mom. My emotions are still somewhat stuck in the post-funeral discombobulation. I see my sisters doing things with our dad, and in so many ways, I want that for myself, too.

It’s OK to not be OK. This isn’t permanent. You’ve done amazing things and you will do amazing things again. Taking time away doesn’t diminish your worth. Everyone needs a break.

Until next time ….

Stop!

If you came here just to read about bikes and bike adventures, this is not the post for you.

My body is screaming at me to stop.

I’m tired, I consistently feel nauseated, and/or have abdominal pain where I shouldn’t feel pain; my legs feel heavy, like I’m wading thigh-deep through pudding.

It’s been like this since March, possibly last December when I had the first of a few successive two-week stomach bugs. It’s (exceptionally) slowly getting less intrusive in my life, but it’s still a question if I will wake up any given morning feeling closer to normal—whatever that is anymore.

I took May off from doing anything more than walking my dogs every day. I went mountain biking with my girlfriends for three days, which was fun except for the low-grade nausea and pain.

In June, I tried to go camping and biking with one of my best friends, but I ended up staying the entire time at camp while my friends went off for a ride because my body would not cooperate and settle down.

I’ve continued to train on my indoor trainer and ride outside when I muster the energy, but had to make the incredibly difficult decision to bow out of the 3-day bikepacking ride I’d signed up for in favor of attending the day-ride option. I have zero confidence I can handle the stress of riding and surviving for a few days not knowing how I will feel any given morning.

Egos do not go quietly when a hard decision has to be made.

Yesterday I sat across from my GI doc, reviewing yet another scan that confirms only my internal organs are totally fine and at the pinnacle of health. There’s one more test she suggested. I asked her what she would do if she was in my shoes. So we’re doing the test next week to ensure a weird portion of the image from my latest scan is, indeed, nothing to worry about.

Could stress and grief play a role in this? Probably. The depth of my grief over my mom’s passing is far deeper than I thought possible. I spend my bi-weekly therapy visits sobbing because talking about my mom can sometimes trigger very deep, powerful emotions.

Emotions are like a water line. Some people are out on the branches and can shed a cute tear; some of us are connected to the main, and any break in the facade is a gush. There is only ugly crying for us.

But there are physical issues too – both my doctor and my therapist agree this isn’t all in my head; there is a physical component.

I just want to feel like a human again.

I was going to go for a bike ride today, but my body is screaming at me to stop. I slept 12 hours last night; I was so exhausted yesterday that I was in bed by 8:30 p.m. So today, I am listening (and thankful for the long holiday weekend, so I don’t have to think about work for a few days). I will focus on finishing my house chores and then hunkering down with a book.

Thank goodness for libraries. Reading has been my best de-stressor in the last few months.

Anyway – thanks for reading. I’m hopeful to feel better by the time I head to Colorado next month, but not really holding my breath. I’m going to keep training as if I’m definitely riding SBT GVL, but there’s a distinct possibility I will have to bow out, or reduce my distance, because of health issues.

Not my favorite place to be right now, but it’s where I’m at and I need to listen to my body. And avoid bike-related social media because it’s super jealousy-inducing right now. I don’t need to be reminded that the rest of the world can and should carry on without me.

Until next time ….

Be Less Intense

get more out of life by doing less

It’s early August. I’ve completed two multi-day bikepacking trips, including the beautiful and challenging Appalachian Gravel Growler and another spin Roundabout Brattleboro. I camped in 10* on my back porch to test out my new (obscenely expensive, expedition-weight) winter sleeping bag in anticipation of a back-/bikepacking winter overnight. I missed Toad Strangler due to illness and rode (a shorter route for) The Great North in cold, rainy conditions. I went cabin camping and mountain biking in beautiful New Hampshire and Vermont with my girlfriends (and Matt).

Yet, I haven’t even cracked 1,000 miles to date on my bike.

At some point this year, I decided to abandon my goal of 3,075 miles this year and focus on Doing Less and Being Less Intense.

I’m watching my friends train for epic events. I’m seeing friends discover new routes, new adventures, and regain strength after illnesses. It’s incredibly awesome.

But right now, I need to rest more. Embrace non-bike life more. Visit with friends, plan road trips, and yeah, even get the non-sexy things in life done – like cleaning the house and doing routine maintenance. Clear out the clutter and bring in fresh air and fresh space in my life.

I had two pretty big anxiety attacks earlier this year, which resulted in an increase in my Lexapro dose and a healthy step back in pushing myself to achieve new levels of awesomeness.

It’s really hard to not get caught up in the competition cycle of More Miles, More Speed, More Adventure, More Hard Core Adversity. But I encourage everyone to take a moment to think about why they are doing these things. There’s no right or wrong answer; only that if something isn’t serving you anymore, perhaps it’s time to try something different.

Because the reality is that I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I’m amazing and awesome right now.

So I’ve been sleeping late, taking leisurely bike rides when I feel motivated, going to slow yoga classes (restorative and yin mostly), and hiking more. Turning off notifications on my phone and filling up my library hold list with interesting books. I’m walking my beagle every day, allowing extra time for all the sniffs and stops. I’m re-evaluating my volunteer obligations and deciding what fits and what needs to be set aside for now.

Living a slow life is kindof wonderful.

I have a car camping trip in a few weeks and then a four-day bikepacking (lodging) trip with my oldest kid and my middle sister. Beyond that, I don’t have many plans. Maybe going home at the end of November for a bit, see the fam and my nieces.

I’m looking forward to how the rest of the year pans out. Taking a break from constant adventure, constant “training,” and constant GO-GO-GO has been a huge relief. While it also resulted in a not-insignificant weight gain, I’m also evaluating my relationship with my body and how I can honor where my physical being is. I’m still strong, still resilient, still bad-ass.

See you out there!

My Mental Health Journey

a story about putting my Self back together again

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Check on your loved ones, talk about your experiences, break the stigma around mental health issues. Together we are stronger.

In the summer of 2020, my brain broke.

I know that sounds like hyperbole but I assure you, that’s what it felt like. The mental scaffolding I had constructed around my Self collapsed and the only thing staring back at me was the Abyss I work so hard to keep at bay.

For most of my life, my scaffolding was so good I didn’t really know the Abyss existed. Sure, I have a deeply angry core that I keep in check, but I had worked hard to feel generally happy and successful. I volunteered; I rode my bike; I went to yoga classes; I went to educational classes.

My happiness was predicated on other people’s praise of my hard work, which in turn would make me work even harder. Every successful job landed, every performance review, every raise, every accolade, every call-out where my performance was highlighted as worthy of recognition and praise …. my Self fed off these moments and craved more.

Things were good: work hard, get rewarded. cool.

Then came some stressful years. Times when I felt like no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough. And ultimately I know now that it really wasn’t about me, but it silently, steadily, chipped away at the walls of my Self and the supporting scaffolding.

So in March 2020, I’m in a brand new job when the realities of covid invading New York … turning everything we “know” to be “true” upside down …. that in one breath said I was being laid off and in the very next breath asked if I wanted to keep my job at a colossal paycut …. I did what I do best.

I worked my ass off to prove my value and worth to the doubters. And to keep my own anxiety about the state of the world at bay.

If I’m busy, I obviously don’t have anxiety. I am strong; valuable; dependable. I can ignore the gnawing sense of fear and dread that’s building up.

Which brings us to August 2020.

The accolades have suddenly turned to demerits without explanation. I find myself sitting in yet another online video meeting and being taken to task when I feel the scaffolding fall away …. replaced by pure panic.

If you’ve never had a panic attack, they suck. There is no sense of reality or the ability to take charge of your direction or have control over anything. For some people, it feels like you’re dying – and while that happened a few times in my twenties, that’s not what it feels like when my brain breaks. It feels flat, out of control, and you have no way to wrestle the beast back into its cage.

So I did what anyone would do.

I logged off the video meeting, told my boss I was having a panic attack, and that I’d talk to them in a few days when I got my head back on. Then I gathered my dogs and we crawled into bed to just exist.

(moment to recognize my privilege to ignore my life for a few days while I rebuilt my mental state)

I submitted an online intake for a therapist and booked an appointment with my doctor. (Recognize my privilege of having good insurance.) My therapist helped me work through my root issues (or at least shine a light on where my behavioral changes need to be completed by positive mental talk and realigning my personal success bar) and my doctor prescribed an SSRI (Lexapro), which helped tremendously. It took the edge off without making me feel like less of Me.

Don’t be afraid of medication; we all need a little help every once in a while.

After a year or so, and about 20lbs of weight gain, I tried a few other antidepressants:

(NOTE: don’t take my experiences as Gospel; if you’re having issues, talk to your doctor or therapist about options right for YOU)

Zoloft (SSRI) – made me super depressed. Three weeks in I was questioning the meaning of anything (why do we do anything at all? it’s so meaningless) and my husband literally said “Depressed Laura isn’t fun. You need to call your doctor.” I am thankful he was looking out for me when I clearly wasn’t in the right headspace to do so for myself.

Prozac (SSRI) – made me moderately depressed, like the entire world was encased in plastic cling wrap and I couldn’t touch it. Distinct lack of Joy in my life and an increase in nihilism.

Cymbalta (SNRI) – this one was interesting. I felt super compartmentalized – like my anxiety was over there, in a box, … waiting to be dealt with. I felt disconnected from my experiences and my default mental thoughts were all negative. I also experienced hyerpsomnia as a side effect, making functioning exceptionally difficult. (I love sleep but this was excessive)

So I’m back on Lexapro because I feel like me, just without the anxiety. The electric buzzing coursing through my body is quieted and I can think, act, and still be my Self. Because honestly, when I took the time to rebuild my sense of Self during covid-times, I like when I take the time to do things that make me feel good that don’t rely on someone else’s opinion of my performance.

Be well.