My body is screaming at me to stop.
I’m tired, I consistently feel nauseated, and/or have abdominal pain where I shouldn’t feel pain; my legs feel heavy, like I’m wading thigh-deep through pudding.
It’s been like this since March, possibly last December when I had the first of a few successive two-week stomach bugs. It’s (exceptionally) slowly getting less intrusive in my life, but it’s still a question if I will wake up any given morning feeling closer to normal—whatever that is anymore.
I took May off from doing anything more than walking my dogs every day. I went mountain biking with my girlfriends for three days, which was fun except for the low-grade nausea and pain.
In June, I tried to go camping and biking with one of my best friends, but I ended up staying the entire time at camp while my friends went off for a ride because my body would not cooperate and settle down.
I’ve continued to train on my indoor trainer and ride outside when I muster the energy, but had to make the incredibly difficult decision to bow out of the 3-day bikepacking ride I’d signed up for in favor of attending the day-ride option. I have zero confidence I can handle the stress of riding and surviving for a few days not knowing how I will feel any given morning.
Egos do not go quietly when a hard decision has to be made.
Yesterday I sat across from my GI doc, reviewing yet another scan that confirms only my internal organs are totally fine and at the pinnacle of health. There’s one more test she suggested. I asked her what she would do if she was in my shoes. So we’re doing the test next week to ensure a weird portion of the image from my latest scan is, indeed, nothing to worry about.
Could stress and grief play a role in this? Probably. The depth of my grief over my mom’s passing is far deeper than I thought possible. I spend my bi-weekly therapy visits sobbing because talking about my mom can sometimes trigger very deep, powerful emotions.
Emotions are like a water line. Some people are out on the branches and can shed a cute tear; some of us are connected to the main, and any break in the facade is a gush. There is only ugly crying for us.
But there are physical issues too – both my doctor and my therapist agree this isn’t all in my head; there is a physical component.
I just want to feel like a human again.
I was going to go for a bike ride today, but my body is screaming at me to stop. I slept 12 hours last night; I was so exhausted yesterday that I was in bed by 8:30 p.m. So today, I am listening (and thankful for the long holiday weekend, so I don’t have to think about work for a few days). I will focus on finishing my house chores and then hunkering down with a book.
Thank goodness for libraries. Reading has been my best de-stressor in the last few months.
Anyway – thanks for reading. I’m hopeful to feel better by the time I head to Colorado next month, but not really holding my breath. I’m going to keep training as if I’m definitely riding SBT GVL, but there’s a distinct possibility I will have to bow out, or reduce my distance, because of health issues.
Not my favorite place to be right now, but it’s where I’m at and I need to listen to my body. And avoid bike-related social media because it’s super jealousy-inducing right now. I don’t need to be reminded that the rest of the world can and should carry on without me.
Until next time ….
wife. mother. awesome girl. 