“I’m not good at this” I told my dad as I let the deep, heaving sobs leave my body.
“No one is” he said.
This past Monday, Oct 16, marked one month since my mom died. On Tuesday, my dad was the sole attendee at her interment. When asked how he was doing, he replied “very tearful because I got to hold Mom for another minute.”
All the Big Feelings flooded in.
This post feels self-indulgent – however, I process by writing. And riding my bike and hiking. But mostly in getting thoughts out of my head.
When I stay busy, when I’m working – I feel like I can handle the moving forward part. It’s the weekends that seem to get me, where my motivation to power through and “be strong” falters. I still get up and do the things I need to do … but more often I find myself simultaneously wanting to do something – anything – to keep my brain occupied … and not wanting to do anything at all ever.
I know that time is the only thing that will reduce the impact of this bruise. I don’t want to stay busy just to avoid feeling sad. My sisters all seem to be doing just fine these days – staying busy, working, being with their kids. I feel like I’m off on an island with a rowboat that is still being built.
It’s OK to feel sad too – even though I know my relationship with my mom was strained over politics the past 7 years. I don’t have any regrets about how we conducted our relationship. I often think back to the stories Dad told about their lives together and how much Mom modeled being the Good in the world. Even if we didn’t agree on the definition of Good every time, I see how she met each of us mostly where we were.
Although even a week or so before she passed, she sent me texts about how she still wanted me to reconsider embracing our Jewish ancestry and become Catholic. For your eternal soul. It’s only been well over a decade since I formally converted. Sitting at the Funeral Mass, I have zero regrets.
I think about my dad a lot too. He seems to be holding up relatively well and for the first time in our lives, we get to hear from him and build a relationship with him. He’s clear-eyed about this and I sense he was grateful for the opportunity to care for Mom in a way that helped her feel loved, cared for, and safe. I know he struggled before her death with thinking he might mess up something – but when someone is dying, we know the outcome regardless of our actions. All we can do is the best we can.
At the very least, it’s prompted me to get our wills written and wishes known to our kids. Dad’s been clear about what he wants when he dies, which I am grateful for. Mom never wanted to talk about it – you’ll know where it (her will) is when the time comes. I was literally calling a funeral home 16 hours before she passed to make arrangements. She couldn’t talk at the time so Dad told me what they had previously discussed and she nodded when I asked her to confirm what Dad said was correct. Spoilers: it took Dad a few weeks to find her will.
Failure was never an option in Mom’s book – but death comes for all of us despite all our protests.
I wrote a brief thank you note to the hospice workers who cared for Mom. In looking for the right card, I found this one on Etsy. I love the vibrancy of the image – truly a living, breathing Tree of Life.
I saw this on a silly Buzzfeed listicle (53 of the funniest text messages or something like that) the other day and laughed much harder than this image deserves – so hard I cried.
Just let me cry / a little bit longer
I ain’t gonna smile / if I don’t want to
-Paramore
A few weeks ago I dragged myself out of the house to go for a chill bike ride with friends. We rode around on beautiful Dutchess and Columbia County roads, stopping at breweries and scenic overlooks before noodling through the Bard College campus. As we were heading back, it started to lightly rain. We popped out next to a field to a beautiful double rainbow.
A nice reminder that there is beauty after hardship.
The emotional whiplash of completing an epic bike journey and coming home to find out your mom is in active decline was intense.
I had plans to ride bikes with my friends today, but canceled because I didn’t feel like I’d be good company today. Instead I took my dogs for a long walk and took a nap; got my house clean and did the laundry.
Pete got the new light fixtures installed in our bathroom so we got to check another item off our list of things we are fixing or replacing in our house. We’re hoping to be in a place to list the house in the spring. I know my feelings of urgency on that topic come from a place of sadness and desire to be with my family right now – but life is more complicated than just throwing things in a UHaul and driving across the country.
The only way out is through. Thanks for reading.
wife. mother. awesome girl. 